Do you love me enough to let me go? (Part 1)

I am always amazed at how music can trigger such amazingly "shiny" thoughts. Recently as I was driving home from dropping some kids off at Forest Home, the song "Enough To Let Me Go" by Switchfoot came on the radio. For me it is one of those thought provoking songs and it is the first verse and chorus that always hits me the hardest. In the song,  Jon Foreman writes & sings:

"Oh, I'm a wandering soul

I'm still walking the line that leads me home

Alone

All I know

I still got mountains to climb

On my own

On my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through, let me fall for you, my love

Do you love me enough to let me go?"

I read somewhere that Jon was speaking in regards to romantic relationships, but this chorus hit a chord (pun intended) with me on a different level. It reminded me of my children, how I love them and chose to parent them.  I know this may sound weird but bear with me while I try to explain. As a parent I feel like it is my responsibility to guide my children, give them boundaries and allow them to experience life. We are to protect them but not be over-protective.  We should give them guidance but allow them the chance to make decisions in a safe environment.  

It reminds me of teaching my son to ride a bike.  First, I purchased a bike that was the right size for him.  Then I purchased and made sure the training wheels were correctly installed.  I bought him a helmet, elbow pads and knee pads.  I showed him how to stop the bike by pedaling backwards and after he mastered riding the bike with training wheels, I removed them.  Then came the challenge...you know that moment when you are running behind the bicycle, holding onto the back seat, while your child pedals and tries to balance?  It's that moment when you let go and allow them to wobbly pedal on by themselves.  Now depending on their balance they may go far or they may pedal three feet and fall over, but either way you have to let them go. 

I remember my son, he went about three feet, fell over and skinned his shin.  There was a part of me that wanted to put that bike away and never let him ride it again.  My logic was "if I put it away, I can protect him" but that is flawed logic.  All that would have done is remove my ability to assist him in a safe environment.  You see my son was a very determined little dude and even if I put the bike away, he has friends, he will find another bike...

So what happens if my child only goes three feet and falls over? Should I scrap the idea? Should I put the bike away so that I can protect them and keep them from getting hurt?  Or better yet, should I even bother with a bike? Should I tell my children that they can't have a bike because they will get hurt?  For me, the answer to all these questions is a resounding "NO".  After twenty plus years of being a mother and over ten years of working in various student ministries, I have personally come to the conclusion that it is better to teach them to ride the bike, it allows me to be there.  To help pick them up and get them going again.  I mean I have the opportunity to praise the distance they went, help them figure out what went wrong and encourage them to start pedalling again, all while I am still there to assist them. 

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I feel "letting go" is one of the most valuable gifts I can give to my children and that I still have a say in "how" I let go. You see for me "letting go" doesn't mean loss, it means freedom and what more could I want for my children?  I have made the difficult choice to "let go" since day one even though I wish I could keep my babies safe and with me forever.  However, I realized a long time ago that the "best" thing I could do for my children was to teach them (put on the training wheels) and when they seemed to have mastered that step, let them go (remove the training wheels).  If they fall, pick them up, set them right and send them off pedaling again.  You see, I trust that what I have been teaching them will protect them and they realize I trust them! This makes all the difference.

Too often I hear parents share how they are limiting what their child can do and making ALL the decisions for their child instead of INVOLVING them in the process.  I am constantly talking to students who are amazingly good kids on the road to being incredibly great adults who are frustrated at the lack of trust their parents have in them to make the right decision and it is truly heartbreaking. 

 

PLEASE NOTE: Before you go thinking that I am some crazy person advising you to let  your child go "hog wild", let me stop you.  In my early years as a christian parent, I stumbled across a verse and it has become one of many verses that guide how I have chosen to treat/raise my children.

Ephesians 6:4 - "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord." (NLT)

What I am saying and what I think this verse says is give a child boundaries with room to make decisions for themselves (discipline and instruction).  Allow their decisions to have consequences and make them known before hand.  If they fall, let them face their consequences and if they succeed, give them more opportunity to grow.  We can do this while they are still at home, under our care. I have seen too many restricted or sheltered kids lose their minds the minute they get to college because they have never learned the necessary skills required to make their own decisions and think through consequences before acting.  Think about it! Once they are at college we will not be there to guide them, so we should give them room and opportunities to grow NOW.  I feel we should takes steps to trust our children, remembering that we have raised them. I feel we should talk with them, you might be amazed at how truly wonderful they are.  You may be surprised to find that once you remove those training wheels from their bicycles that they have the ability to soar.

We love our children enough to want to see them succeed and part of this is made possibly by allowing them opportunities to grow and choose.  So I ask you, "Do you love them enough to let them go?"

This is part 1 of a "shiny" train of thought and for those of my reader's who would like to understand how my faith has shaped this viewpoint, click here for part 2.