What about the kids...

I have been doing this "Thankfulness Challenge" on Facebook that a friend of mine came up with.  The idea is to think of something that you are thankful for and post it as your status and do a new one every morning.  Today, I posted one about my ex-husband and his wife. Why would I do such a thing? Glad you asked, let me give you the back story.

Recently, I was chatting with a friend (to make reading this blog easier, I will name her "May" because it is the month my daughter was born. Hey! Don't you go knocking my naming conventions. They make total sense to me!).  Since I am naming people, I have decided to give everyone names because the first read-through of this blog made my head hurt and I got extremely confused. So for purposes of the blog May's husband shall be named "Bob" because Bob has always been my "go-to random man name" and Bob's ex-wife will be named "Ann" because it is my middle name and I figure it would be wrong to name her anything else.

So anyway back to the story, May is dealing with the Bob's ex-wife, Ann, and it is taking its toll on May and her step-children.  May is struggling with how she responds, you see Ann is badmouthing May to the children. When the children get home from spending time with their mom, Ann, they share all that she has been saying about May as it causes them tremendous pain, yet they are not sure how to handle it, so like most kids they talk with Bob and May, in hopes of finding a way to cope.  The children have even tried to stand up for May, only to have their mother accuse them of not loving her and this is where my 'shiny' soapbox thoughts begin...

I am divorced and happily remarried.  Please note that today's blog is not about whether divorce is right or wrong, so lets not even go there. Today's blog is about how we behave after a divorce and our love for our children. 

When it became apparent that my first marriage was no longer salvageable and was ending in divorce, I was faced with the challenge of how to respond to my ex-husband.  You see when your marriage ends, it hurts and those feelings don't just vanish the minute the divorce papers are signed.  It is human nature to blame others for our short comings and divorce is no different, I mean seriously who wants to admit they couldn't make their marriage work...not me, that is for sure.  So when my ex and I sat down to have that inevitable discussion called "What about the kids?", we were faced with a tough decision.  Luckily, I had a great example of how one should handle divorce with grace, my mother.

My parents fought a lot.  So when their marriage ended, it was not a surprise to me. In fact, I was glad it was finally over.  My parents did not know how to make their marriage work, they were young when they got married and I have a feeling the "Grow Up Fairy" forgot that section in their "How to be an Adult" manual.  Mom moved away and for a short time, my dad would "talk smack" about her.  However, that all changed when my son was born.  I mean seriously, how do you do birthdays and holidays, once your parents separate? For my mom, she chose to do it with extreme grace and she did it for her grandson.

My mom was present for my son's birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Groundhogs Day...you get the picture.  These events happened at my father's house and yet, she would show up with a smile on her face and gifts in her hands, she even brought gifts for my dad at Christmas.  She did not badmouth dad and if he tried to start something, she would gracefully excuse herself or change the subject.  She didn't make us choose, she didn't accuse us of not loving her or of loving dad more, she simply loved us.  

So when my ex-husband and I sat down to discuss the kids, we agreed that no matter how frustrated we got with each other, we would NEVER discuss our hurtful thoughts in front of or with the kids.  We would NEVER badmouth each other.  We made the conscious decision to put our childrens' needs above our own.  The amazing thing about our decision is that the Lord seemed to bless it.  We were able to move past our personal hurts and found a mutual respect for each other.  When both of us got remarried to amazing spouses, we were happy for each other.  In fact when I got married, we joked about my ex walking me down the aisle and giving me away...it's just a joke, don't get all "squirrely" on me.  What I am saying is that we are able to be together for the milestones in our childrens' lives and celebrate the kids without any drama. 

Both of our new spouses are amazing as well.  My new husband, Michael, doesn't get all jealousy (its a word because I just made it up) because he loves his step-daughter, George, with all his heart and would never want to hurt her.  Michael puts his love for George and her needs way above his own.  I also have a great respect for my ex-husband's new wife.  She is an incredibly sweet and loving woman.  She is great for my ex-husband and he is so happy with her.  She has embraced my daughter and loves her as her own.  My daughter calls her "S'Mom

Why do so many of us chose to continue the pain of divorce after the papers are signed? Why do we argue in front of our kids? What is the point of making our children chose favorites? Why do we heap guilt on the most precious gifts of our lives, our children? All it brings is suffering.  I feel my job as a parent is to protect my children.  I can't tell you the number of conversations I have with students that suffer at the hands of their parents emotions and immaturity.  I know this is easier said than done and it is extremely difficult, especially if both of the divorcing parents are not on board.

There is this verse in the bible, you can find it in Philippians 2:3-4.  It says:
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (NIV)

If you are a divorced or divorcing parent, this is a great verse to live by.  Ask yourself, do you love your children? If you are remarried, do you love your new spouse? Then why not "look out for their interests" and do what is best for them?  This may mean sitting down with your ex and having a tough discussion, you may even need to include your new spouse(s).  You may need to be the bigger person, even if your ex and/or "the step" refuse to play nice.  I know that sometimes it is hard, humbling ourselves and putting someone else's interest above our own is never easy, but then again life is not easy.

So I ask you, "What about the kids?"


*Stepping off my soapbox and going to find a cup of coffee*